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I feel like I should put something up...

 ...just to let anyone who reads my blog know, I realized yesterday that I feel a lot better about everything... Well, I don't know if better is the right word, but not as in the dark, and I don't really feel the bitterness of it all. I realized that I shouldn't regret anything. My post the other day feels very dark and rereading it I know not all of what I wrote is how I truly feel - it was just that moment. (Isn't it interesting how what we feel in a moment can be true then and not true later? Sincerity is transitive, it is not a constant, but still, it is sincere. Life is full of paradoxes.)

I had a really good, refreshing, deep, warm, and comforting conversation with a friend about all this yesterday, and it really helped me sort some things out. I don't want to explain it all, because I don't think I can articulate it at this point, and I think trying to write about it will muddle it for me, but I'll try to get a few thoughts out.

Death isn't something you get over. It's something you live with, and deal with, and live through. Life and death have always worked in harmony. They balance each other; they are contingent on each other. Death is sad because we don't understand it - we feel separated from it and from the person. But at the same time, I really can't imagine there is much to be afraid of. I don't believe I will ever cease to exist. I believe a soul is infinite and death is just a passing from one phase of being to another. I believe that I will go to heaven when I die, and I will see God face to face. 

It's okay to be sad. It's okay to want to be sad. What's not okay is not wanting to live with and through the fact. One thing about death is that it changes you forever. Things will never be the same. But that's not good or bad, that's the way things are. I think that without experiencing death, you can't truly relate to or understand the world around you. Death makes you ask the right questions. It's experiences like this - losing a loved one, falling in love for the first time, having a child, sex, having your heart broken, deciding what you want to do with your life - experiences like these are what allow you to relate to the world and not only understand it but be a part of it. Everything is interconnected and related. The way we live through bad or hard experiences in our lives is what truly defines and shapes us as a person.
(I think that any kind of trauma, especially death, makes you ask the right questions, the important ones. It makes you think about things in a different way. I would say that even if the experience itself doesn't spark creativity about that specific event, it tends to make you a more creative person in general because it makes you ask those questions and opens doors in your mind that would've been shut for a long time otherwise.)

Being sad and being content don’t have to be separate. You can be peaceful without ignoring the issue or pushing it to the back of your mind. In fact, the best thing is to be peaceful or content while also completely aware of the terrible truth at the same moment. That is being completely honest with yourself and approaching understanding, allowing yourself to understand and to accept. When you deal with death you can’t compartmentalize – it all has to be at once: you before, you now, dealing with it, keeping on living, remembering and moving past, living though and with it, happiness and sadness, understanding and confusion and anger and acceptance and questions. If you don’t let yourself see the big picture you’ll never come close to getting out of the dark.

It's okay to ask questions. When Lauren died I was so ready to accept the answers that I had ready for myself, I didn't really look deeper than that. I didn't ask other questions, I didn't get angry or scared. I thought I was too set in my beliefs and understood them to such an extent that I already knew how to deal with things. Well I'm sure I'm being too hard on myself, but I feel like I am on such a different level now that it's hard not to be biased. I'm in such a transitional phase of my life right now, everything is being questioned and shaken off it's comfortable shelf... but that's okay. That's good. That's the way it should be. 

I know Lauren would be happy right now if she could see me, if she could read the things I've written because of her, if she could hear the conversations I've had since she's been gone. I'm not sure where I am right now, where I stand really, but I know I am on my way to a good place, and I can already feel the warmth settling in my core. It feels like going home.

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