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Happy Birthday Lauren <3

Today is February 25, 2009 - Lauren's 19th birthday. I miss her, and I wish I was home to put a flower on her grave for her. I'm wearing my locket, as usual, but today it means something more. I don't know what to say today about death, Lauren, or myself dealing with all that, but I will share something that's been on my mind, for you and Lauren.

I have been doing a lot of thinking in the past couple months since I've written anything here, mostly about big picture things - life, death, love, God. I've been shaking dust off the shelves and throwing some books away, writing skeptical, curious, and sometimes contradictory notes in the pages of others, and just reexamining things I've taken for granted. Most of all God. I've been in such a transitional period; I hardly ever come to conclusions, and the more questions I ask the more and more come floating off the dusty shelves. A few weeks ago I was really a mess about it. (I must have been having a reaction to the dust. But now that my sinuses are cleared, I've been able to sift through the things that brought themselves to attention.) I came to terms with the fact that I am going through yet another transitional phase, and that I am right where I'm supposed to be. And then I realized: Life is a constant transitional phase. I don't know if I will ever truly settle into a mindset or philosophy. Most of my questions will not be met with sufficient answers, and once I think I've found what I was looking for something else will go scampering off and here we go again. It's not a bad thing, or a pessimistic thing - in fact, it's optimistic. It's just life. We all think that we are supposed to find the answers and settle down, and know exactly what we think about everything. We call it being educated. But I am happy, at the sacrifice of comfort, to be in my perpetual state of transition. I want to always be moving forward and improving, always learning more about myself and the world around me. I'm not saying I don't want to know what I believe - that's something important. It's just that I don't want to settle for the answers I think I have found, and I am sure that even after I answer one question another will be right there waiting. So I will keep asking questions to bring me as close to the truth as possible before my time is up.

Deo ac veritati
~ Christie


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