feel it weighing me down. After I realized that today was coming, I was overwhelmed with this incredible sadness, and I don’t understand why. I knew today was going to happen. It wasn’t a surprise really, and I had thought about it many times last week and been fine. But somehow the actual presence of the day, the reality of the day itself, carried with it an oppression that I couldn’t escape. I guess I’m glad, though, that I still can be affected by it, that I still am sad. I still miss her.
THE PRESENCE OF A DAY
The day came with subtlety, creeping through the cracks
of Wednesday Thursday Friday holding its breath
Barely a whisper of warning -
that I refused to heed.
I thought I saw the day before it approached,
anticipated its ache, its meaning, its heaviness
And declared myself unaffected, free of its presence
But it enveloped me, wrapped me up and suffocated me with its
folds of shadows and hazy disconnected-discontented-ness
It took hold of me and I could not
understand what it was pressing down
Until I realized, and then the weight only became heavier
Tried to rinse it off
Rub the dark depression from my skin, sud the shadows from my hair
But I only pushed the day deeper in, and its presence settled into my bones
Like a lead string pulling from joint to joint
I was drowning in the presence of a day, just another day, but
despite this, inescapable, forcing its heavy load through my denying veins
and slowly bringing itself to my surface.
And my stomach sinks with the weight of her presence.
It’s strange to think that one day out of the year, just any other day, can have such an effect on you. It’s just another day, another block on the calendar. Another 24 hours. Nothing special. But as soon as we attach some sort of mnemonic to it, it has a power to physically and mentally change us. This whole week I knew that today was coming up, and I was fine, I thought I wasn’t that affected. I thought, it’s just another day. I think about Lauren all the time on days that don’t mean anything and why should today be any different? It’s just another day. … But somehow it’s not. Without realizing it today crept into my psyche and all day yesterday I couldn’t understand why I was in such a funk. And then I realized, it was because today was coming. It was hanging over me and pressing down on me. I could